Managed well, shared parenting benefits both children and their parents, and the advantages are well documented. However, shared parenting is not a perfect solution, and whilst in no way do we say that shared parenting is a worse approach than any other, here we focus on the disadvantages of shared parenting in order to provide an insight into some of the issues this approach to parenting may unearth.
Managed well, shared parenting benefits both children and their parents, and the advantages are well documented. However, shared parenting is not a perfect solution, and whilst in no way do we say that shared parenting is a worse approach than any other, here we focus on the disadvantages of shared parenting in order to provide an insight into some of the issues this approach to parenting may unearth.
If you have concerns about a family law matter and you feel you need legal advice, contact specialist family solicitor Mark Heptinstall of Slater Heelis Solicitors. He is recognised as a ‘Leading Individual’ in The Legal 500 and ranked in Chambers UK, and is described as having “the amazing ability to bring calm into troubled waters”.
Shared parenting of young children
Penelope Leach, psychologist, and the author of several books on child rearing and childcare, claims that shared parenting arrangements can harm young children. And moving those under 5 between homes creates “unhealthy attachment issues”. Some children are naturally closer to one parent than the other, and even being away from the favoured parent for a short time can cause immense distress.
Children can often suffer emotionally from shared parenting arrangements. They may feel the weight of expectations being placed on them to please each parent and do what is expected. Adjusting to two very different parenting styles can be emotionally and physically exhausting, with many children experiencing a disorganised and erratic existence with one parent, and a more predictable experience with the other. They are then constantly thrown back and forth between these two extremes with each relocation, destabilising them as a result.
Managing communication
Persistent, high levels of conflict cause harm to children and when this continues after separation, it may be better to curtail communication with an ex. This is almost impossible to do with shared parenting because of the amount of things to be juggled – schooling, medical appointments, extra-curricular activities, parties, school trips – to name but a few aspects parents deal with on a daily basis. With shared parenting, you will have to maintain a high-level of interaction with the other parent, and if your relationship is not amicable, it is less likely to work, despite your best intentions.
Restrictions on living arrangements
Shared parenting is also likely to restrict a parent’s mobility because long distance parenting is simply not practical. If your children are younger, you will need to factor in school pickups and drop-offs, and if they are older, then a school within walking distance is preferable. Their social life can also suffer if they are a long way from friends.
It may trouble a more anxious child to go back and forth between homes. In this case, shared parenting may not be the best idea. Moving between homes is not always fun and can be distressing as the child becomes older. It can also lead to feelings of instability and the child may prefer staying with one parent over the other. Children who have greater needs may find these go unnoticed during the regular upheaval between parents.
The cost of shared parenting for the financially weaker parent
If you share care of your children, it can make the difference between receiving hundreds of pounds each month in child maintenance/support and child benefit, and not having anything at all. 50/50 shared parenting means that maintenance is not payable, even if the other parent earns more. This can lead to a disparity between the homes, with one parent being able to provide comfortably, and the other struggling and having to work over time to make ends meet. This underlines the importance of both parents knowing where they stand at the outset before agreeing on a shared parenting regime.
How can I ensure shared parenting runs as smoothly as possible?
If you decide that shared parenting is the best option for you and your children, or the decision is forced upon you by the court, there will be key factors which should be looked at before finalising the arrangements:
- The tasks and responsibilities for which is parent is responsible when the children are in their care
- Whether there is equal responsibility for day-to-day care. If so, no child maintenance would be payable even if one parent earned more
- Agree on the best approach for the whole family unit
- Be certain that you can communicate with the other parent
- Consider using a co-parenting app
- Avoid making last minutes changes
- Have everything ready to go, or double-up on everything
Be careful and precise about the detail of any agreement you reach: holiday days, if your child is off school ill who has their care, lengths of time apart from either parent, amounts of contact with the child when they are not in your care, etc. These types of specifics will influence the rest of the time you have with your child growing up, so be sure you are happy with them before you put pen to paper.
Life isn’t static, so although you may have fixed schedules, it is likely that both you and your ex’s circumstances will change. New partners, jobs, and children moving to new schools can mean how you originally planned shared care needs to be reviewed. This doesn’t have to be a major issue, and working together with your ex can make the process of shared parenting a lot easier to manage.
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