Although many families can put their differences aside during the festive season, others find it more challenging. Creating a Christmas holiday schedule can help parents and children make plans for their time together and reduce arguments. But when drawing up such an arrangement, what should you consider?
Although many families can put their differences aside during the festive season, others find it more challenging. Creating a Christmas holiday schedule can help parents and children make plans for their time together and reduce arguments. But when drawing up such an arrangement, what should you consider?
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What are the options for sharing the children over Christmas?
Unless your relationship is such that you can spend it together, your children cannot spend time with both of you. To this end, there will need to be a level of compromise to make it work. Here are our suggestions for Christmas arrangements:
- Split the three Christmas days in half – here, the children could spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with one parent, and then change at midday (or some other agreed point in the day). The children then spend the rest of Christmas day and Boxing day with the other parent. You can then agree to alternate each year.
- One week each – most schools allow around two weeks over the Christmas period, so it could be agreed that the children will spend the first week with one parent, and the second week with the other. This will typically mean the children spend Christmas with one parent and New Year with the other. Again, this can be alternated each year.
- Two Christmases – although this option appears to be the least popular, it can be a resolution to the problem of Christmas day. This is where a nominated day, before or after Christmas day, is used by one parent to have their own Christmas celebration instead. For example, it could happen on Boxing day, or on any other day around the festive period.
- Spending Christmas together – if your relationship with your ex is amicable and the children are young, you may wish to spend your time together as a family on Christmas day. Before you decide, ask yourself if it will create a healthy dynamic on the day for your children and consider whether it risks confusing matters.
What if we live far apart?
If you live a long way from your ex, it may be less disruptive to arrange your Christmas schedule around the first two options above. It is a rare family indeed who want to spend their Christmas day travelling between homes. But if you do decide to travel on the day, you should be sure your plan is genuinely prioritising the children and ensure you allow sufficient time for you or your ex to travel and to stay with family or friends whilst not with the children.
What about new partners?
Handling a blended family Christmas can be challenging because there are often competing priorities. In addition, an ex can become angry that a new partner gets to spend Christmas day with the children. Introducing a new partner to children at Christmas is far from ideal, so collaborating on how and when to do this is essential.
Should separated parents buy joint gifts for the children?
Splitting costs and continuing to buy presents together can send a message to the children that they remain central even though you are no longer together. Joint present giving is a particularly good idea if you spend Christmas day together. It also helps avoid competitive gift giving or one parent trying to win favour from buying lavish presents.
Agree on an overall budget that is manageable for both parties and the gifts you propose to buy each child. You can also divide the task of buying items so that things are equal. There is the risk that one parent also buys a separate gift “just from them”, so be clear about whether or not this is part of your agreement.
Should we put the plan in writing?
Once you and your ex have reached an agreement, it is a good idea to write it down and send it to the other parent via message or email. That way, if there are any issues and misunderstandings, they can be resolved in good time before Christmas.
Whether or not you decide to put the plan in writing, it is crucial you stick to the arrangements so that everyone knows what to expect, including the children. This will encourage ongoing co-operation for future Christmases and special occasions.
Tips for agreeing Christmas contact arrangements
It is always best if parents can reach an agreement between themselves. Here are our general tips that will hopefully help you plan for Christmas without the need to engage a family solicitor or go to court.
- Start discussions early – agreeing arrangements as soon as possible will provide some certainty and allow everyone to enjoy the run up to Christmas with no difficult conversations.
- Communication between separated parents can be problematic; if you find it difficult to talk to your ex, then consider asking a family member or friend to be present during discussions.
- It is extremely important to keep an open mind when negotiating Christmas arrangements. Be prepared to compromise to reach an agreement that is in the best interests of the children.
- When you are talking about plans, be mindful that your children may overhear you or perhaps see what you are sending to the other parent. Try to remain calm and do not say bad things about each other in front of the children.
- If your children are old enough, they may have their own views on how they want to spend the Christmas holidays. However, you also need to tell your children the arrangements may not be exactly what they want.
- Whilst your children may express their views about the arrangements for Christmas, it is unfair to ask them what they want the arrangements to be, as this may place them under pressure. They may try to please you or become upset if they feel they are being unfair to the other parent.
What happens if we cannot agree a Christmas schedule?
If you cannot agree a Christmas schedule, you should consider whether mediation can help. Should mediation not be an option or was attempted but unsuccessful, parents can make an application to the court for a specific issue order. This is, however, time-consuming and costly, adding to an already emotionally charged situation.
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