Telling the children you are separating from their mum or dad can be daunting and is often the thing most feared by parents who are in the first stages of divorce. The separation is a life changing event for the whole family and explaining what is happening and why is never easy. But what should you say? And should you tell them the truth about the circumstances leading up to the divorce? This article discusses these issues.
Telling the children you are separating from their mum or dad can be daunting and is often the thing most feared by parents who are in the first stages of divorce. The separation is a life changing event for the whole family and explaining what is happening and why is never easy. But what should you say? And should you tell them the truth about the circumstances leading up to the divorce? This article discusses these issues.
If you have a family law issue and you require legal advice to understand your options, contact specialist family law solicitor Liza Gatrell. Vicki is a trusted and highly capable family lawyer and divorce solicitor and a Partner at the specialist family law firm, Stowe Family Law.
Framing your discussions
The age of the children will affect how you talk to them and what you say. Whilst you may have come to terms with your decision to separate, your children will be just starting out on that journey, and it may come as a shock even if they might have suspected it may happen.
Every child is different, and you will need to judge the best way of telling your children based on what you think their frame of mind is and how much they will understand. Your children do not need to hear from either parent of the other’s faults; you are the people they love and are closest to, and this won’t change for them even if it has for you.
If you have more than one child, you will need to decide whether you tell them individually or all together, or a combination of this. Even if they are different ages, they will gain support from each other; no one will feel excluded or that secrets are being kept, and everyone will have heard the same thing. You may need to rephrase it in different ways for younger children, but try to do this at the same time as telling the others.
Be prepared to allow your children to express their emotions
There could be tears, anger, pleading, promises of good behaviour, fear, and denial. Being at home will probably feel safer for children as opposed to somewhere more public. If they are upset, they can show their emotions without feeling they are being scrutinised by other people. Allow plenty of time so that you can deal with immediate reactions, but be available over the coming weeks for delayed reactions.
The timing of when to tell your child about your impending separation can be critical. Essentially, it is recommended you inform your child about the divorce as soon as the decision has been made and plans for the separation are certain. Delaying the discussion for an extended period can lead to confusion.
Present what is happening as a change, not the end of the world. Acknowledge the sadness your children express and that the concept of change can be hard to accept. Meet their emotions instead of leading them, stay focussed on their concerns and don’t try to dress up the separation as a good thing.
My children blame me for the divorce. Should I tell them the truth?
Children simply don’t have the emotional intelligence to comprehend the complexities of adult relationships. Children and teens are often “black and white” thinkers, so it is common for them to settle on one parent as the victim and the other as the parent at fault. On the other hand, they may side with the parent they perceive needs more support if that parent appears vulnerable, expresses a lot of emotion or over shares.
Try not to blame your ex because this just traps your children in the middle. Listen carefully and focus on your children’s feelings rather than the facts of the divorce. Express regret that the divorce has caused them pain but explain the divorce is hard for everyone.
If the children ask me to explain the divorce, what and how much should I tell them?
Children don’t need the “truth” about the failings within a marriage, and although many parents say they won’t lie to the children about what their mum/dad did, this can cause more damage in the long run. You might instead offer them a balanced “story”, perhaps something along the lines of you were no longer happy together. You could perhaps say you both tried hard to save the relationship, but it simply wasn’t possible.
If your children accuse you of having an affair, for example, if it is true, acknowledge your part in it. But don’t give them any more information that may be weaponised later. As stated above, this will be one of the hardest conversations you’ll ever have to have with your children. There is no perfect script or guide because everyone’s circumstances are different. But remember, the minutiae of your adult relationship wouldn’t be a topic of conversation if you were still together, so why should it be open season for discussion with your children now?
Children want more say when their parents get divorced
According to research carried out for Resolution, young people aged between 14 and 22 with experience of parental separation children wanted more say in what happens to them when their parents get divorced. The survey also revealed that 82% said they would prefer their parents separated if they were unhappy rather than stay together. Some of the key findings include:
- 62% of children and young people disagreed with the statement that their parents made sure they were part of the decision making process about their separation or divorce
- 50% of young people indicated they did not have any say as to which parent they would live with or where they would live following their parents separation
- 88% of young people say it is important to ensure children do not feel like they have to choose between their parents
- 47% said they didn’t understand what was happening during their parents separation
- 19% agreed they sometimes felt like the divorce was their fault
- 50% of young people stated their parents put their needs first during their separation or divorce.
When asked what they’d most like to have changed about their parents’ divorce, 30% of young people said they would have liked their parents to understand what it felt like to be in the middle of the process.
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