Emotions often run high during separation and divorce, and in some cases, one spouse may attempt to manipulate or "play games" to get a perceived advantage. These tactics are often designed to unsettle or frustrate the other party, gain financial or emotional leverage, or make the process as difficult as possible. Recognising these tactics is the first step toward countering them and ensuring you receive a fair outcome.
Emotions often run high during separation and divorce, and in some cases, one spouse may attempt to manipulate or “play games” to get a perceived advantage. These tactics are often designed to unsettle or frustrate the other party, gain financial or emotional leverage, or make the process as difficult as possible. Recognising these tactics is the first step toward countering them and ensuring you receive a fair outcome.
If you have a family law issue and you require legal advice to understand your options, contact specialist family law solicitor Joanne Major. Joanne is the founder of her specialist family law firm and has spent her 25-year legal career specialising in family and matrimonial cases.
What motivates spouses to play games in divorce?
Spouses might engage in underhanded tactics during a divorce for various reasons, including:
- A spouse may attempt to drag out the divorce process to gain more time, possibly hoping for reconciliation, or simply to inconvenience their partner.
- Some might use tactics to influence the division of assets, manipulate spousal or child support calculations, or keep valuable assets hidden.
- In some cases, the motivation may simply be revenge, where a spouse might aim to punish their partner by making the process emotionally or financially draining.
- A spouse may play games to steer decisions about who the child should live with, property distribution, or other critical matters in their favour.
- By using certain tactics, a spouse might hide assets, debts, or other relevant information that could impact the divorce settlement.
What common tactics do spouses use?
Understanding these tactics or games can empower you to recognise manipulation and respond appropriately. Here are some of the most common:
Mind games and manipulation
This psychological tactic makes the other spouse question their reality or recollections. A spouse may deny past agreements or dispute facts to create self-doubt. Emotional appeals, guilt-tripping, or outbursts may be used to gain sympathy or intimidate the other party into making concessions.
Delaying tactics
A spouse might delay by refusing to respond to legal documents, missing meetings, or asking for unnecessary adjournments. They may claim they can’t find financial documents or delay handing over assets, hoping to drag out the financial settlement and create frustration.
Obstruction and non-compliance
Even when mediation is recommended or ordered, one spouse may refuse to cooperate, either by being unwilling to compromise or cancelling sessions last minute. This can include ignoring child contact schedules, failing to pay ordered maintenance, or refusing to allow property access, which can be both disruptive and costly to the other spouse.
Lying about financial matters
A spouse might open new bank accounts, transfer assets, or hide cash in an attempt to make their finances appear weaker. By misrepresenting their earnings, a spouse can try to reduce their obligations in spousal or child support.
In an effort to decrease available assets or income, a spouse might create fictional debts or inflate expenses to manipulate financial outcomes.
Blame-shifting and aggressive argument tactics
To paint themselves in a better light or distract from their own actions, a spouse might project blame onto their partner. This could involve blaming the other party for the marriage breakdown or accusing them of wrongdoing to sway court opinion.
In some cases, a spouse might instigate arguments or behave with hostility to create a sense of chaos, hoping the other party will concede to avoid further emotional distress.
Threatening legal outcomes
A spouse might threaten to seek full custody of a child, knowing that it would unsettle the other parent. These threats may be empty but are designed to gain leverage.
Threatening to take issues to court, which would drive up costs, can pressure the other spouse into settling for less favourable terms.
Using children as pawns
Some spouses may attempt to turn children against the other parent, potentially affecting child arrangement decisions. Denying contact with the non-resident parent or changing plans at the last minute can also disrupt the child-parent relationship and emotionally drain the other parent.
What are the signs of game playing to watch out for during divorce?
Knowing the signs can help you spot manipulative tactics early on, allowing you to take steps to counter them effectively:
- If your spouse frequently misses deadlines, forgets important documents, or doesn’t respond to correspondence, it may be an intentional tactic.
- If they react emotionally to routine matters or frequently escalate minor issues, they may be trying to distract from core issues.
- If income, debt, or expenses reported by your spouse change frequently without explanation, this could indicate financial misrepresentation.
- If they regularly suggest taking you to court over minor disagreements, they may be attempting to intimidate you into settling.
How can I respond and counteract divorce games?
If you suspect your spouse is playing games, there are several steps you can take to protect yourself and ensure a fair process:
Document Everything
Keep records of every interaction, including missed meetings, changes in financial information, and communication about your children. These records can serve as evidence if you need to demonstrate a pattern of non-compliance or manipulation.
Use a solicitor for financial disclosure
Use the legal process to require your spouse to provide financial and relevant information. If they refuse, your solicitor can request make an application for financial order, which as part of the process compels disclosure.
Stay emotionally detached
It is easy to feel frustrated, but staying level-headed can help you avoid impulsive decisions or engaging in further conflict. Your solicitor can help insulate you from emotionally charged interactions.
Consider mediation or alternative dispute resolution (ADR)
Engaging in mediation can provide a neutral setting to address and potentially resolve issues. If your spouse refuses to engage, this behaviour can be noted for future court hearings, demonstrating non-cooperation.
Take immediate action on child arrangement issues
If your spouse is using children as leverage, immediately document incidents and, if necessary, seek a court order to establish fair arrangements. The court is particularly sensitive to attempts at alienating children from either parent.
Request for court intervention if necessary
If delays, non-compliance, or obstructions continue, your solicitor can petition the court to enforce compliance. The court can impose penalties on uncooperative spouses, especially when they flout orders or manipulate the process.
Divorce can bring out difficult behaviours, and manipulation from one party can turn an already stressful process into an emotionally exhausting experience. Understanding these tactics, recognising the signs, and knowing how to counteract them are key steps to protecting yourself. With proper documentation and the right legal guidance, you can maintain focus on a fair resolution and minimise the impact of games played by a spouse during divorce.
You might also find interesting our article asking about whether you can divorce a partner without them knowing.
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