With the cost of living crisis affecting almost every aspect of people’s lives, there has been a noticeable shift in how couples deal with separation and divorce. Soft-separation is now gathering pace, and is increasingly being chosen as a real alternative to divorce by those who want a gentle untangling of their relationship. But what exactly is a soft separation? And how does it work? This article aims to find out.
With the cost of living crisis affecting almost every aspect of people’s lives, there has been a noticeable shift in how couples deal with separation and divorce. Soft-separation is now gathering pace, and is increasingly being chosen as a real alternative to divorce by those who want a gentle untangling of their relationship. But what exactly is a soft separation? And how does it work? This article aims to find out.
If you have a family law issue and you are concerned that you may require legal advice to understand your options, contact specialist family law solicitor Joanne Major. Joanne is the founder of her specialist family law firm and has spent her 25-year legal career specialising in family and matrimonial cases.
Unlike more traditional separations, a soft separation is a deliberate choice by couples to remain married but live separately. In fact, it isn’t necessary to live together for a soft separation to work; each party can maintain separate homes. Ultimately, a soft separation attempts to avoid the legal battles that are prevalent in some divorces.
What is the point of a soft separation?
A significant number of individuals choosing to soft separate cite the avoidance of the divorce process that they anticipate will cost them both financially and emotionally. A soft separation is seen as being less combative, and focuses on maintaining family bonds and financial stability. Some couples might continue to share holidays, bank accounts, and expenses in the hope that the arrangement provides a buffer against the turmoil that often surrounds divorce proceedings.
A high-profile example of a couple who have embraced soft separation is that of Hollywood couple Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith. The couple had been living apart since 2016, yet they remain married.
Despite leading separate lives, the couple continued making public appearances together, balancing personal space and a shared public life. But that’s Hollywood. Do soft separations work in the real world?
From a divorce perspective, soft separations can offer a pragmatic approach to preserving family structures and mitigate financial strains, particularly helpful if money is tight. The trend also reflects a growing need amongst couples to prioritise theirs and their families emotional wellbeing over legal certainty.
What are the downsides to a soft separation?
The absence of formal legal proceedings could lead to ambiguities, especially around division of matrimonial assets or child arrangements. All families differ and have their own unique set of circumstances. For some, living in the grey zone between separation divorce works well, but for others, it may work for only a short period of time or as an interim fix. It is also important to know that sometimes keeping things informal can come with risk:
- There is a lack of clarity for children who may be affected by the uncertainty of the situation
- There can be a lack of financial clarity between the couple, especially if bank accounts are shared
- Where divorce or separation is concerned, things generally become more complicated over time – money is inherited, jobs change, and all too often a couple’s expectations about the implications of those changes do not align and end up causing the very conflict they wanted to avoid
- Benefits may be adversely affected, or one person may not be able to claim because the couple is still considered to be living together
- Long-term separation provides the perfect opening for a spouse to hide assets
- If either party’s circumstances change during the separation, the financial settlement could end up being less than previously envisioned
- Either party might meet a new partner whilst still being legally married
Is a trial separation the same as a soft separation?
Although the terms are similar, the main difference in one of intent. Trial separations tend to be most useful when things are so complicated and entrenched that it is difficult to work out what to do for the best. Experiencing what it would be like if you separated permanently is often a powerful motivator for couples to do just that. Soft separation, on the other hand, is more of a gentle and progressive unlinking of lives based on the family’s own timetable. Indeed, many couples profess to want to stay with their spouse, but not within a romantic relationship. A soft separation puts emotional sustainability before everything else, whereas in most trial separation situations, it is not viewed as a shared journey with a shared goal.
Should I get a separation agreement drawn up for a soft separation?
Although a separation agreement does not provide the finality that a financial order on divorce can, the practical exercise of preparing a separation agreement can greatly benefit a couple, especially addressing financial issues for the future.
A separation agreement is not currently legally binding, but it does offer clear evidence of the parties intentions, particularly if they later decide to divorce and the court becomes involved in settling the finances.
When the time comes to divorce or dissolve the civil partnership, if the parties still agree on the terms of the separation agreement, an order can be drawn up in those original terms. This then makes it legally binding and enforceable.
What are the top tips for a successful soft separation?
A soft separation is about navigating the end of a relationship with compassion and understanding, laying the foundation for both individuals to move forward positively. Here are our key tips for a successful soft separation that minimises emotional distress for all parties involved :
- Maintain transparent and honest communication. Discuss your feelings, concerns, and reasons for the separation openly, and try to understand the other party’s perspective.
- Clearly define new boundaries to avoid confusion. Establish guidelines for communication, shared responsibilities, and personal space to ease the transition.
- Prioritise self-care, and encourage each other to pursue hobbies during the separation.
- Consider seeking the guidance of a therapist or counsellor to facilitate the process. Professional help can provide valuable insights and coping strategies.
- If children are involved, commit to maintaining a cooperative co-parenting relationship. Ensure consistent and positive involvement in the children’s lives.
- Accept that change is inevitable. Be open to new opportunities and experiences, that allow each person to evolve individually.
- Refrain from blaming each other for the end of the relationship. Focus on acknowledging differences.
- Allow space for personal reflection by spending time apart. This can help both individuals gain clarity and perspective.
- Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends and family. Having a strong support system can provide emotional stability and encouragement during this challenging time.
Soft separation: The legal landscape and what it really means
A soft separation isn’t a term with a legal definition in family law, and this is both a strength and a weakness of the concept. At its heart, a soft separation describes a situation where a couple stay legally married or in a civil partnership but live separate lives, often for an extended period and with an informal agreement about their daily arrangements. It is more like a conscious, ongoing choice than a legal process.
However, the fact that there is no specific legislation defining or governing this concept means that there are important legal issues to consider. These arise because, in the eyes of the law, you and your partner are still married until you take formal steps to end that marriage.
Legal status of soft separation
Being legally married but living apart can have profound implications. Even if you’ve agreed to live separate lives, without a formal legal step such as a judicial separation or divorce, the law still views you as spouses. That matters for things like inheritance rights, pension benefits, tax status, and claims on each other’s property.
For example, if one partner dies while still legally married, the other spouse may still be entitled to a share of the estate under intestacy rules, even if they’ve lived separate lives for years. This can be surprising and distressing for people who assumed that distance equals legal detachment.
Another point is that during a soft separation, both parties remain financially connected, at least in legal terms. Even if one partner moves out and starts a new life elsewhere, they could still be liable for shared debts or financial support obligations unless steps are taken to address those legally, such as through a separation agreement or financial settlement.
A separation agreement can also later be turned into a consent order if the couple decides to divorce. Once sealed by a court, a consent order becomes legally binding and enforceable, providing far more certainty than an informal soft separation alone.
Judicial separation: A formal legal alternative
For couples who want the legal recognition of living apart but aren’t ready, or don’t want, to divorce, judicial separation offers a middle ground. It is a process where the court legally recognises that a couple is separated without ending the marriage.
Judicial separation differs from soft separation in that it involves the court and results in a legal order. This allows for financial orders, child arrangements, and property decisions to be officially approved. This can be valuable if there is disagreement between the parties or if there are complex financial or childcare issues that need clarity.
Fictional examples of couples choosing soft separation
- Sam and Hannah are in a long marriage and have two school-aged children. Over recent years, they have drifted apart emotionally but agree that immediate divorce might destabilise the family. Instead, they decide to soft separate with Sam moving into a nearby flat; they establish an understanding about financial contributions, school routines, and holidays.
They decided not to start any formal legal process, but they wrote a separation agreement to set out who pays what and how major decisions will be made. This helps reduce confusion and prevents mis-understandings over money and childcare. Without such an agreement, even small disagreements could easily escalate.
- Alex and Jordan have lived apart for several years but remained married. They never agreed on how to divide ownership of their family home and haven’t formalised financial arrangements. When Alex falls ill and needs long-term care, Jordan faces legal responsibility for debts and housing responsibilities, a result neither expected when they first separated.
This illustrates a key risk that living apart doesn’t sever legal financial ties. Unless obligations are properly recorded and handled, one partner can end up legally responsible for consequences they didn’t anticipate, even many years later.
When soft separation might not be right
Soft separation isn’t suitable for every couple or in every situation. Individuals dealing with coercion, domestic abuse, or deep distrust may find that informal arrangements simply mask deeper issues that require legal intervention, such as protective orders or formal child arrangement orders. In such cases, legal advice and possibly court involvement are essential in order to protect vulnerable parties.
In other situations, such as where one partner’s financial situation shifts dramatically, failing to formalise changes can leave one spouse at a disadvantage. For example, without clear written agreements, there can be conflicts over tax status, entitlement to benefits, pension rights, and inheritance further down the line.
Balancing choice with clarity
A soft separation can be an empowering choice for couples who want to live apart amicably without fully ending a marriage. It can prioritise wellbeing, give space for reflection, and provide flexibility, leaving parties the time to come to terms with the end of their relationship.
At the same time, it is important to understand that soft separation is not a legal shield on its own. Couples should consider whether more formal approaches safeguard their position, such as a separation agreement, judicial separation, or steps towards divorce that better protect their interests. This is particularly important where money, property, or children are involved. Consulting a family law specialist can help clarify options and ensure that both parties understand their rights and responsibilities before emotions and time make issues harder to resolve.
Over time, a soft separation can either evolve into reconciliation or become the stepping stone toward a more permanent legal resolution, such as divorce. But reviewing arrangements you made at the beginning of the soft separation on a regular basis, particularly around finances, property ownership and child arrangements, can help prevent avoidable disputes later. It is also wise to update wills, review pension nominations, and consider how life insurance policies are structured. Taking these practical steps makes sure that both parties are protected while navigating what is often an emotionally and legally delicate stage of life.
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