When parents separate, maintaining meaningful communication between a child and the parent they do not live with is often just as important as arranging face-to-face time. However, it is not uncommon for disagreements to arise over how often contact should take place, how long conversations should last, and what happens if a child does not want to participate.
When parents separate, maintaining meaningful communication between a child and the parent they do not live with is often just as important as arranging face-to-face time. However, it is not uncommon for disagreements to arise over how often contact should take place, how long conversations should last, and what happens if a child does not want to participate.
If you have concerns about your family situation or your children and you feel you need legal advice, contact specialist family solicitor Mark Heptinstall of Slater Heelis Solicitors. He is recognised as a ‘Leading Individual’ in The Legal 500 and ranked in Chambers UK, and is described as having “the amazing ability to bring calm into troubled waters”.
The child’s age makes a significant difference
Every family has different circumstances, meaning there is no universal timetable that will suit everyone. What is considered reasonable will depend on the child’s age, daily routine, emotional needs, school commitments, and the practical realities facing both parents.
A contact arrangement that works well for a teenager is likely to be entirely unsuitable for a toddler. Younger children often have shorter attention spans and may struggle to engage in lengthy video conversations, and are more likely to benefit from several short, positive interactions each week rather than one extended call.
By contrast, older children and teenagers are often capable of longer conversations and may naturally communicate using text messages, voice notes, or social media alongside scheduled video calls. As children mature, they should usually be given greater autonomy over how they communicate, provided their relationship with both parents continues to be supported.
Parents should recognise that communication arrangements are not static, and what works this year may need adjusting as children grow older, become more independent, or develop different extracurricular commitments.
Flexibility often produces better outcomes than rigid schedules
Although certainty can help avoid disputes, excessive rigidity can sometimes make communication feel artificial. Family life is unpredictable, and things such as school productions, sports clubs, birthday parties, homework deadlines, and illness can all affect availability.
Rather than treating every missed call as a breach of arrangements, parents who communicate constructively can often agree suitable alternatives without conflict. If a scheduled Wednesday evening call cannot take place because the child is attending a school function, a brief conversation afterwards or an additional call the following day may achieve the same purpose.
Children should not feel anxious that they are disappointing either parent when normal childhood activities occasionally interrupt planned communication.
Supporting natural conversation
One common source of difficulty is expecting every telephone or video call to become a lengthy conversation. Many children simply do not communicate this way, particularly younger children.
Parents can make calls more engaging by allowing activities to become part of the conversation. A child may enjoy reading a bedtime story together over video, showing school projects, completing a puzzle simultaneously, or introducing pets. These shared experiences often strengthen relationships far more effectively than repeatedly asking questions that receive only one-word answers.
Older children may prefer discussing hobbies, gaming, music, sporting events, or future plans rather than answering detailed questions about every aspect of their day. This type of communication works best when it revolves around the child’s interests rather than becoming an interview.
When one parent travels frequently
Employment often involves travel, shift work, or irregular hours. A parent who works offshore, serves in the Armed Forces, works internationally, or spends time away from home may require greater flexibility.
Technology allows children to maintain regular contact despite geographical separation, although time differences can create additional challenges if one parent lives overseas. Parents should be willing to accommodate reasonable adjustments where circumstances genuinely require them. This might involve varying call times or agreeing additional contact before or after periods of travel.
The objective should remain maintaining the child’s relationship with both parents wherever reasonably possible.
Privacy as children grow older
As children become older, privacy becomes increasingly important, and teenagers may understandably feel uncomfortable having every conversation monitored or conducted on speakerphone. Where appropriate, allowing private conversations can help maintain trust and encourage more open communication.
Equally, parents should respect that older children may sometimes communicate through text messages or shorter but more frequent conversations rather than lengthy scheduled video calls.
Dealing with missed calls
Missed calls do not automatically mean that one parent is deliberately preventing contact. Children may simply be busy playing, attending activities, visiting relatives, or spending time outdoors without immediate access to a phone.
Before assuming deliberate obstruction, parents should seek clarification calmly and avoid making accusations. Escalating relatively minor misunderstandings often damages co-parenting relationships far more than the missed communication itself.
Where genuine problems become frequent, keeping a factual record of attempted contact may assist discussions or mediation if needed.
Blended families and new relationships
A child may divide time between multiple households involving step-parents, half-siblings, or new partners. These changes can affect daily routines and availability for calls.
Parents should avoid placing children in situations where they feel they must choose loyalties between biological parents and new family members. Communication should remain focused on maintaining the parent-child relationship while respecting the child’s broader family life.
Communication during holidays and special occasions
Parents can reduce disagreements by discussing communication expectations before holidays begin. Agreeing suitable contact while one parent is away with the child allows everyone to plan accordingly and avoids last-minute disputes.
Similarly, birthdays, Christmas, religious celebrations, and other important occasions may justify additional communication where appropriate. A brief call on a birthday, even where it falls outside the usual routine, may help preserve an important family connection.
Recording calls and digital boundaries
Recording conversations without good reason, insisting children constantly share their location or requiring them to participate in calls through multiple devices can undermine trust. Children should feel that communication is a normal part of family life rather than something being monitored or scrutinised. Respecting privacy while ensuring appropriate safeguarding helps children develop healthy relationships with both parents.
Resolving ongoing disagreements
Where parents cannot agree suitable communication arrangements, early intervention is often preferable to allowing conflict to escalate.
Family mediation can provide an opportunity to discuss expectations, understand each parent’s concerns, and develop practical solutions centred on the child’s welfare. Many disputes surrounding telephone and video contact arise from misunderstandings rather than deliberate attempts to interfere with the child’s relationship.
If agreement remains impossible and communication issues significantly affect the child’s relationship with a parent, legal advice may be appropriate to understand the available options. Any court considering such issues will continue to focus on what arrangement best promotes the child’s welfare, taking account of the individual circumstances of the family rather than applying a standard formula. When parents prioritise the child’s emotional wellbeing, technology can become a valuable tool for maintaining strong, meaningful relationships across two homes.
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