It can be difficult to know what to do for the best if you think your child is at risk, and it is only right to want to be cautious and protect them from a toxic parent. But how do you approach this? Read our guide for more information.
It can be difficult to know what to do for the best if you think your child is at risk, and it is only right to want to be cautious and protect them from a toxic parent. But how do you approach this? Read our guide for more information.
If you are considering divorce and are concerned that you may require legal advice to understand your options, contact specialist family law solicitor Joanne Major. Joanne is the founder of her specialist family law firm and has spent her 25-year legal career specialising in family and matrimonial cases.
It can be difficult to know what to do for the best if you think your child is at risk, and it is only right to want to be cautious and protect them from a toxic parent. But how do you approach this? Read our guide for more information.
What is a toxic parent?
A toxic parent is not a medical term or a clearly defined concept. When someone describes a toxic parent, they are generally talking about behaviour that causes guilt, fear, or obligation in their children. These events are not isolated, but are patterns of behaviour that, over time, have the potential to negatively affect the child’s life. Common toxic parental traits include, but are not limited to, the following behaviours:
- They are self-centred and don’t think about anyone else’s feelings or needs
- They overreact and/or create drama
- They share improper information with others and use their child as an emotional support
- They may use guilt and money to get their own way or get the child to do what they want
- They may be harshly critical
- Notwithstanding the above traits, they may display other narcissistic behaviours
- They may neglect the children’s needs attending to their own
- They may manipulate the children against the other parent. This is often referred to as parental alienation
- Lack of boundaries – pushing and pushing to get their way
These behaviours are not generally diagnosed conditions, but are still considered harmful to children.
What are the effects in my child of a toxic parent?
Children in toxic environments can display coping mechanisms such as normalising the experience, minimising what is happening, and justifying what is taking place. They may try to escape by staying in their bedroom or another space that feels safe. As a result, they may be withdrawn from those who could otherwise support them. Children may become desensitised and develop a “thick-skin” where they are numbed to what is going on.
If you see this type of behaviour, try to help them process what is happening as well as maintaining an alternative space where they will feel safe.
What can I do to protect my child from a toxic parent?
In violent situations, children are more likely to engage in violent, abusive, or manipulative behaviours themselves. So it is important for you to help them learn alternative approaches to resolving conflict and how to manage their own anger. You should also help them learn to distinguish when they are feeling safe and when they are in danger. Teach your child the difference between passive, aggressive, and assertive communication. Domestic abuse can have devastating consequences for children’s wellbeing, and have a lifelong impact on their mental and physical health. If the situation cannot be resolved or the child is at risk, then you may need to apply to court for a child arrangements order.
How can I protect my children from a narcissistic parent?
Narcissists are typically about self-preservation and control. Part of this is cultivating and preserving their reputation. Narcissists care about what others think and will intimidate and manipulate others until they feel out of control and helpless. These emotions can paralyse children who don’t have the emotional maturity to cope. You can take the following actions if you believe your child is at risk:
- Contacting the police or children’s services
- Applying for a child arrangements order
- If violence is also involved, apply for a non-molestation order. This may include an occupation order if you are still living under the same roof, which, if granted, will remove the perpetrator from the property and keep them out until long-term plans are made or a settlement is reached
- Contact a refuge, or seek shelter, if only temporarily, with a friend or family member
How do I protect my child from parental alienation?
There is no fixed or single definition of parental alienation. Broadly speaking, it is the concept of a child rejecting a parent without good reason with whom they previously enjoyed an excellent relationship. CAFCASS are largely responsible for identifying cases, yet they only become involved when a matter reaches court. Often, this is following months of alienating behaviour, and can, by that stage, be too late. Examples of parental alienation include:
- Negative comments about the other parent
- Encouraging defiance or disrespect towards the other parent
- Blaming the other parent for their feelings of loss
- Being unable to separate their child’s needs from their own
- Manipulating a child into unquestioning loyalty to the detriment of the other parent
- Corrupting, isolating, exploiting, or denying emotional responses to create a belief that the other parent is untrustworthy or dangerous
If this behaviour is happening to your relationship with your child, it is important to intervene quickly so as to avoid further damage to the relationship. If parental alienation continues unchecked, it can easily result in a complete breakdown of the relationship. There is no specific provision for courts to deal with parental alienation, however, the law is sufficiently wide to allow it to determine the most suitable remedy.
Is it possible to co-parent with a toxic parent?
In this situation, there are unique challenges for both you and your children. You must come up with ways to speak on your children’s behalf and set boundaries, whilst maintaining a working relationship with your toxic ex. Some strategies include:
- Setting up a parenting plan – this way, you will have everything in writing that you both have to follow.
- Working through any issues via mediation
- Showing extra empathy – your children are likely to bear the brunt of toxicity. Try to reassure and give them the tools to deal with the situation until you can step in and address it yourself.
Can I stop contact between my children and my ex or other relatives?
In the UK, child contact is not an absolute legal right. With parental responsibility, parents acquire the rights and responsibilities to make decisions regarding their child’s upbringing, and this may include who they can have contact with. If the other parent is engaged in criminal behaviour, domestic abuse, drug or alcohol addiction or any other behaviour that could put your child at risk, then you may decide to stop contact with that person. Although, they will be entitled to make an application for a child arrangements order, if they wish.
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The information on this website is to be considered a guide and is therefore not legal advice. You use this information with the understanding that Wiselaw does not accept liability for any direct or indirect losses as a result of anyone relying on or acting upon the information on this website. Whilst we endeavour to provide accurate information, Wiselaw does not accept liability for any errors or omissions on this website.
