Having to deal with a “nasty” divorce is unfortunately more common than it should be in these days of no-fault divorce. But then, a relationship rarely breaks down in a vacuum, so it is only natural to want to blame another. In this article, we look at some of the ways to counteract behaviour and attitudes your spouse may display during the divorce process.
Having to deal with a “nasty” divorce is unfortunately more common than it should be in these days of no-fault divorce. But then, a relationship rarely breaks down in a vacuum, so it is only natural to want to blame another. In this article, we look at some of the ways to counteract behaviour and attitudes your spouse may display during the divorce process.
If you have concerns about your divorce and you feel you need legal advice, contact specialist family solicitor Mark Heptinstall of Slater Heelis Solicitors. He is recognised as a ‘Leading Individual’ in The Legal 500 and ranked in Chambers UK, and is described as having “the amazing ability to bring calm into troubled waters”.
How does a nasty divorce case arise?
You can try to minimise the impact of your spouse’s obstructive behaviour by acting in a proactive way. This may mean having your marriage certificate, financial documents, and information on your children to hand which will let your solicitor run your case as efficiently as possible. It also means concentrating on day-to-day matters such as childcare instead of letting your spouse’s conduct overwhelm you and cloud your judgment. But sometimes, no matter what you do, a high conflict divorce is, to some extent, inevitable.
Most solicitors can spot a high conflict divorce at the outset. Here are classic divorce behaviours and attitudes:
- Erratic approaches to engaging with the separation and issues related to finances, the children or both. The other party may even refuse to engage in the process at all and follow this with a period of intense activity. This pattern can increase legal costs significantly, and although it may also be an indication that an ex is not coping with the divorce, coupled with other behaviours (below) shows it may also be a choice.
- Restricting access to funds which affects someone’s ability to meet their general living costs and legal fees
- One party may feel unable to reach an agreement, even on minor points, without feeling as though it is a continuation of what they view as the other’s control.
- Lack of willingness to hear or accept the other party’s point of view on the history of the relationship and how this might impact the future. For example, one party refusing to accept the other’s contributions to raising the children.
- Breaches of agreements or orders, such as contact orders to the children, or failing to file necessary financial documents.
The importance of support in a high conflict divorce
The extra stress and turmoil involved in a high conflict divorce means that it helps to have a lawyer on your side who can recognise the issues, and come up with a strategy which takes this into account.
Abusive behaviour can be subtle, and a lawyer may need to analyse individual communications to build up a full picture of seemingly isolated incidents being part of a wider pattern. If engaging in a particular way is aggravating things or encouraging other problematic behaviour, your solicitor may choose other ways of communication to minimise this.
Your solicitor may feel that the only way to combat erratic engagement is to issue court proceedings. Attempts can still be made to reach agreement in a more informal way, but having a court timetable as a backstop means that your ex must take certain steps by a particular time.
Tips for dealing with a difficult ex during a divorce
A divorce can turn nasty really quickly if you’re not careful, so here we discuss various approaches that can help minimise the impact of an ex’s behaviour:
- Appoint an experienced family solicitor – this is discussed in detail above, and the benefits are manifold. A family lawyer will encourage you to consider the benefits of mediation to reduce costs, time, and stress of going to court. It also helps if your ex instructs their own solicitor, who will help keep them engaged in the process.
- Consider mediation – by talking openly with a trusted mediator, both parties can be supported to reach an agreement on the best way forward. Mediators are committed to resolving matters in a non-confrontational way, and if at any point in the process, believe one party is at a disadvantage, will halt the process.
- Organisation – it is difficult not be become overwhelmed by an ex’s difficult behaviour, trying to focus on ensuring you have all your documents together related to your marriage, finances, property, and any children; this will help your solicitor tailor their advice. It may also be helpful to keep a note of your ex’s behaviour in case it is needed at a later stage.
- Communicate better – try to avoid face-to-face meetings with your ex as much as you can. Instead, communicating via email or text can help to take the heat out of the situation. Try not to react to messages straightaway, sleep on it and try to view any attacks for what they are – part and parcel of getting divorced. Obviously, any abusive messages are not acceptable and it may even be worth getting in touch with the police.
- Setting boundaries – accepting your part in the separation and divorce is a good starting point for moving forward.
- Staying off social media – even if you are happy about getting divorced, your ex may not be. The same applies if you have a new partner; try not to flaunt it too much. Appearing as though you are moving on with your life during a divorce can cause things to get heated and is best avoided if possible.
- Be civil in matters regarding the children – when it comes to children, disputes are common – where they will live, how much they will see the non-resident parent or how much child maintenance should be paid, do not even scratch the surface of the potential lines of battle. Many people use their children as weapons in proceedings to try to cause harm to the other, but all it does is create unnecessary tension.
Each family is unique and there is no set formula to avoid a high conflict, or nasty divorce. Make an effort to talk everything through, who will start the divorce process, and when. This will avoid nasty surprises and give you the best chance of dealing with the divorce as co-operatively and amicably as possible.
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