Gaslighting is among the most subtle yet insidious forms of emotional abuse, and is a strategy used by those who seek to control the behaviour of others, conceal their own conduct, or both. The concept of gaslighting is not a new one and is believed to originate from the 1944 film Gaslight, where the husband convinces the wife that she is imagining things, which destabilises her mental wellbeing. Of course, if you have experienced gaslighting during your marriage, it’s probably not going to stop once you decide to get divorced.
Gaslighting is among the most subtle yet insidious forms of emotional abuse, and is a strategy used by those who seek to control the behaviour of others, conceal their own conduct, or both. The concept of gaslighting is not a new one and is believed to originate from the 1944 film Gaslight, where the husband convinces the wife that she is imagining things, which destabilises her mental wellbeing. Of course, if you have experienced gaslighting during your marriage, it’s probably not going to stop once you decide to get divorced.
If you have need help with your divorce and you feel you need legal advice, contact specialist family solicitor Mark Heptinstall of Slater Heelis Solicitors. He is recognised as a ‘Leading Individual’ in The Legal 500 and ranked in Chambers UK, and is described as having “the amazing ability to bring calm into troubled waters”.
Divorcing a gaslighter can be difficult, especially if you have been on the receiving end of this type of conduct during the relationship. A gaslighter will try to manipulate the divorce proceedings, discredit you, convince others you cannot care for the children, and more.
Ending a gaslighting marriage comes with particular issues. Often victims will not trust themselves to make decisions within the divorce, even if they are motivated to do so. Or they may not follow through because their spouse manipulates them into staying married. Sometimes the gaslighter even tries to use the legal system to their advantage by making the victim appear unstable. There are many other ways a gaslighter will disrupt the divorce, such behaviour may include:
- Influencing friends and family against the victim. This could be to discredit them in children disputes and use gaslighting as a tactic for parental alienation
- Creating doubt with contradictory statements, making someone question their own memory and perception
- Alienate the children by telling them lies or denigrating the other parent in front of them
- Contacting the police and making false complaints to make the other spouse appear unstable and mentally unwell
There are steps you can take to help you get through divorcing or separating from a gaslighting spouse. Here are our tips:
Steps you can take when divorcing a gaslighter
- Document when the abuse/behaviour began. If this was at the outset of the relationship, try to remember specific events and attempts to manipulate you. Go back as far as you can to document when the behaviour started and how it evolved. This can be useful and help your solicitor draw up a timeline or chronology of behaviour if you need to convince the court your ex has been behaving in a particular way.
- Ask those who support you, such as family and/or friends, to validate your experiences to your legal representative. If they are willing to provide witness statements, this will bolster your case, should you have to go to court.
- Maintain your confidence and try not to question yourself or decisions as you move through the divorce process. This can be difficult if you are getting out of a long relationship where you have been gaslighted. Seek support from those you are close to, and if necessary, ask them to come with you to legal appointments.
- Be proactive. Before notifying your spouse, you are ending the marriage, have a divorce plan in place. You will need to deal with many issues before making the divorce application, and alerting the gaslighter to the fact this is on the cards may put you at risk.
- Limit communications with your ex once you begin divorce proceedings and only do so via text message or email if you find verbal discussions are twisted. Ultimately, the best way to void direct communication is by using your solicitor to make any arrangements. However, this is almost certainly going to increase costs, which may play into your ex’s hands. There are Apps available to help with co-parenting, but if you don’t have children, ask yourself whether you really need to speak with your ex if solicitors are involved?
- Separate finances. This ties in with having a divorce plan. Having or separating finances, if this can be done without alerting the other party, or opening a separate bank account, can create greater freedom. Money is often used as a way to coercively control a partner, and creating financial freedom can help distance you from any monetary leverage your spouse may use.
- Speak with mental health professionals, friends, or family. Gaslighters do not tend to compromise easily and are often irrational, so having support and a lawyer who has dealt with these types of case before is a good starting point.
- Only communicate with your ex in writing. If your spouse tries to manipulate the facts or claims that things never happened, written communication can provide evidence to the contrary. This doesn’t have to be long hand-written missives, and can include text messages or emails. Not only is written communication valuable, but so are written agreements. Always remember that no agreement with a gaslighter is iron clad until it is made in writing. Until then, your spouse may make promises to get you to compromise on the issues, and then renege on them when it comes to the crunch. When actions no longer match words and promises are persistently broken, converting verbal agreements into writing can make a world of difference.
- If you are being emotionally abused or controlled, speak with your lawyer about the possibility of applying for an injunction. If you believe you or the children are in immediate danger, do not wait to act, and contact the police straightaway.
- Protect your emotional wellbeing and that of your children. A gaslighter loves to confuse their victim; this allows them to control the other person more easily. Remember, breaking free is going to take a lot of strength and organisation, and it is only natural to feel as though you cannot cope sometimes.
- Co-parenting with a gaslighter both during and after divorce is a challenge. Setting clear boundaries, documenting interactions, and perhaps involving a third party in contact handovers can help alleviate gaslighting dynamics.
- Take a break, go on a walk, go out for a meal with friends, or just open a bottle of your favourite wine. Whatever you decide to do, indulge yourself and enjoy your new found and unencumbered freedoms.
Divorcing a gaslighter is like navigating a storm of self-doubt and manipulation. If you are considering divorce or separating from someone who is gaslighting you, or you want to explore your options, you should consult a specialist family solicitor who will be able to provide you with more details.
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