It is not uncommon for children to struggle to come to terms with their parents separation. However, there are times when your ex may throw your children into the middle of a conflict by manipulating their view of you and burden them by having to choose between you. Being bombarded with such responsibility and pressure can cause them significant distress. But how do you spot when this is happening, and what are the examples of weaponising a child? Read this article to find out.
It is not uncommon for children to struggle to come to terms with their parents separation. However, there are times when your ex may throw your children into the middle of a conflict by manipulating their view of you and burden them by having to choose between you. Being bombarded with such responsibility and pressure can cause them significant distress. But how do you spot when this is happening, and what are the examples of weaponising a child? Read this article to find out.
If you have a family law issue and require legal advice to understand your options, contact specialist divorce solicitor Jemma Slavin of Stowe Family Law. Regional Director at this well-respected specialist family law firm, she is committed to offering a bespoke service to her clients which focuses on their specific needs and objectives.
What does the weaponisation of children look like?
Unfortunately, some parents, particularly those who are narcissistic or emotionally abusive, are perfectly willing to weaponise the children against the other parent. Here are some examples:
- Subtle, negative comments made by one parent about the other in the presence of the children can create a lasting impression and damage how the children see the targeted parent. Some parents may also use their children as messengers which enables them to manipulate the other parent financially or emotionally.
- One parent may attempt to influence the children to resent or reject the other parent. This is generally referred to as parental alienation and may involve blaming the targeted parent for the family’s breakup or other hardships the family experiences, and portraying the targeted parent as dangerous or unstable.
- A parent who is particularly determined to separate children from the other parent may actually make allegations about child abuse or neglect. False allegations can be incredibly damaging to the targeted parent’s personal and professional reputation which may be long-lasting.
- Sometimes one parent will purposefully undo the other parent’s decisions or disciplinary actions to mould themselves into the “good” or “fun” parent to the children. This can breed resentment and hostility between the children and the targeted parent.
- “Disneyland parenting” occurs when the non-resident parent sweeps in for contact with piles of presents and lots of plans for fun things to do. This portrays the parent with care in a negative light and turns parenting into a competition for the child’s affection and loyalty.
- Interrupting calls or video calls between the child and the targeted parent or ceasing to facilitate the communications entirely.
- Consistently speaking to the child about their hatred or disdain of the other parent, telling the child that they are a bad person or parent.
- Refusing to confide in or consult the other parent regarding important information and decisions to do with the child. This may also involve asking the child to keep secrets from the targeted parent.
- The child believing that their rejection of the targeted parent is their own decision. Here, the child will generally believe their rejection or behaviour towards the targeted parent is from their own independent thoughts and experiences, and that it has nothing to do with the other parent’s conduct.
- The child is rude and ungrateful towards the targeted parent, and demand things from the parent, appearing impervious to feelings of guilt about their actions.
- The child speaks like and makes accusations using language reflecting that of the other parent. The targeted parent is likely to notice words used by the child are too old for them, and may include words they are unlikely to understand.
- The child has weak or absurd reasons as to why they are being hostile towards the targeted parent. These rationalisations do not carry significant enough weight to warrant rejection of the targeted parent, which may include a focus on a hatred of trivial acts. For example, the child may blame their negative feelings on the way the parent prepares their food, and the reason given by the child does not explain their level of hostility.
What action can I take if my ex is weaponising our child?
When allegations of weaponisation, or parental alienation arise in court proceedings, it may order experts such as psychologists or child psychiatrists who specialise in family dynamics and child development to produce a report. Here, the specialist is likely to engage in direct observation of the interactions between the child and their respective parents. Depending on the severity and impact of the parent’s conduct, the court could change which parent the child lives with, order therapy, or take other measures to mitigate the effects of the parent’s behaviour.
CAFCASS may also assess both parents and the child to identify and address any untoward conduct. If this is identified, CAFCASS can report their findings to the court and recommend certain action.
If the other party refutes the allegations, the court may arrange a fact finding hearing to determine whether the conduct being complained about happened.
How can allegations of weaponising a child be defended?
If you have been unfairly accused of weaponising a child, you might be thinking of challenging and defending such allegations. The first step in defending your position is to try to gather evidence in support. You may have kept copies of communication with the other parent; this could be in the form of text messages, emails, contact handover books, or any other methods you have used to keep contemporaneous records.
One of the main points to remember is not to involve the children in the dispute. Children should not be placed in adult conflict or discussions to ensure they remain safeguarded. Ultimately, such allegations are difficult to deal with, but if you feel you are falsely accused of weaponising your children, think about consulting a specialist lawyer who may be able to assist.
How can the weaponising of a child be prevented?
Prevention is always better than taking the matter to court and having to deal with a deeply unhappy and manipulated child. Effective preventative measures include:
- Educating parents during separation or divorce proceedings about the signs of parental alienation and its impact. This can lead to early identification and intervention, and can be achieved by attending family mediation sessions, or family therapy.
- Communicating effectively with the other parent can prevent misunderstandings and further damage being done.
- Challenge the other parent if failed contact is becoming common. Keep a record of the responses so you can present this to the court if necessary.
- Keep a journal of dates and incidents where the other parent’s behaviour was unacceptable. If the matter reaches court, you can provide specific dates as evidence.
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