A recent eFinancialCareers article profiles a former JP Morgan and UBS trader who now helps men through divorce, and his observation that it is not a case of winning. That message matters because separation is often discussed using the language of conflict where one spouse wants to defeat the other and keep every asset or prove who was responsible for the marriage ending.
Family law does not work like a competition with a winner and a loser, and approaching every discussion as another battle can make that outcome harder to achieve.
Why some men struggle when a marriage ends
Every separation is different, and it would be wrong to suggest that men experience divorce in one uniform way. Some begin the separation and feel prepared for it, while others have known for years that their relationship is failing. However, there are also men who are genuinely shocked when their spouse says that the marriage is over.
A person who has devoted much of his time to work may believe that he has been fulfilling his responsibility to the family. But although long working hours, travel, and career pressure may have provided the household with financial security, they may also have left his spouse feeling alone and unsupported. By the time the problem is discussed, one partner may have spent months considering separation while the other is only beginning to process it.
This difference in emotional timing can affect the early stages of a divorce. The spouse who has already considered housing, finances, and arrangements for the children may appear calm and organised. The other may feel that important decisions have been taken without him. That sense of exclusion can quickly turn into anger, particularly if he is also asked to leave the family home or discovers that his daily time with the children will change.
Professional success does not necessarily prepare someone for this experience. A senior banker, business owner, or executive may be accustomed to controlling difficult situations, assessing risk, and securing favourable results, but divorce presents a different kind of problem. There are personal relationships that cannot be reduced to figures, while the law does not reward the person who negotiates most aggressively.
A fair financial settlement is not necessarily an equal one
When the family court considers financial claims, it applies the factors in section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. These include each spouse’s income and resources, financial needs, age, health, earning capacity, the length of the marriage, and the standard of living enjoyed by the family. The court also considers the contributions made by both spouses and any responsibilities they will have in the future.
The welfare of a child under the age of 18 is the court’s first consideration when deciding the financial arrangements. This can have a substantial effect on housing needs, particularly where the children will spend most of their time with one parent.
The starting point may be equal sharing of matrimonial property, but equality is not an automatic outcome in every case. The court may depart from an equal division to meet housing or other needs.
Financial expertise can help, but it can also create blind spots
Someone with a background in banking or trading may feel more confident dealing with financial disclosure, pensions, company interests and investments. However, familiarity with finance does not remove the duty to provide full and frank disclosure. Attempting to move money, understate an asset, or present an incomplete picture can damage credibility and lead to costs orders or a settlement being reopened.
There is also a risk that financial negotiations become detached from practical life. A sustainable settlement should address what happens after the documents are signed. Can each person obtain a mortgage? Who will pay the household bills while the family home is being sold? What happens to future bonuses? Is a pension sharing order required? How will tax affect a proposed transfer? These questions rarely have satisfying answers if the only objective is to surrender as little as possible.
Children must not become part of the contest
The idea of winning becomes particularly damaging when it is applied to children. Under the Children Act 1989, the child’s welfare is the court’s paramount consideration. There is no automatic rule that children live with their mother, just as there is no presumption that time must be divided equally. The court considers the individual child’s needs, including the effect of changes, any risk of harm, and each parent’s ability to meet those needs.
A father who suddenly spends less time with his children may feel rejected or displaced. Those feelings are understandable, but reacting by sending hostile messages, withholding maintenance, or questioning the other parent’s every decision can deepen the conflict.
This does not mean fathers should accept arrangements that marginalise them. If a parent is being excluded without justification, legal advice may help establish a sensible pattern of contact before the situation becomes entrenched.
In an ordinary case, however, the goal should be a reliable arrangement that allows the children to maintain secure relationships with both parents. That is not a victory for either adult; rather, it is an outcome built around the children.
Choosing an appropriate route to agreement
Where it is safe and appropriate, mediation can help couples discuss finances and child arrangements with an impartial professional. A Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting, known as a MIAM, is generally required before certain family court applications are made, subject to certain exemptions. The mediator considers whether mediation or another form of non-court dispute resolution could be suitable.
Other possibilities include solicitor-led negotiation, collaborative law, private financial dispute resolution, and family arbitration. The approach taken will depend upon the level of trust, the complexity of the case, and the willingness of both parties to engage constructively.
An agreement reached in mediation is not an automatically binding financial order. Once terms have been agreed, a solicitor can prepare a consent order for consideration by the court. This is important because the divorce itself does not bring financial claims to an end.
Redefining what a successful divorce looks like
The most valuable lesson in the ex-trader’s message is therefore not confined to men or to those working in finance. Divorce is a process of restructuring a family after a marriage has ended, where the people involved may need strong advice, careful negotiation, and enforceable court orders, but they also need a realistic view of what the law can achieve. The objective is not to defeat a former spouse; it is to reach a fair and workable point from which both people, and especially their children, can move forward.
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