In recent years, many reports have highlighted an increased risk of separation among parents of children with autism. This is often attributed to the unique challenges associated with the condition, which can place an added strain on both the relationship and the broader family dynamic. As a result, deciding on living arrangements for autistic children and establishing schedules for time with each parent can be a particularly complex process. This article explores these issues and provides an overview of steps and considerations that may assist in navigating such situations.
In recent years, many reports have highlighted an increased risk of separation among parents of children with autism. This is often attributed to the unique challenges associated with the condition, which can place an added strain on both the relationship and the broader family dynamic. As a result, deciding on living arrangements for autistic children and establishing schedules for time with each parent can be a particularly complex process. This article explores these issues and provides an overview of steps and considerations that may assist in navigating such situations.
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Child’s best interests
It is essential that the child’s wellbeing is prioritised over and above everything else, including personal differences. Parents must take the child’s unique needs into account alongside maintaining their routines and preferences when deciding on living and contact arrangements. The focus should be on the child’s best interests rather than what the parents want.
Parents also need to acknowledge and respect each other’s role in their child’s life. A positive relationship between the child and both parents helps to maintain open, respectful, and constructive communication.
Consistency and routine
Children with autism often display repetitive behaviours and interests and benefit from having a strict routine in place. One way to ensure this happens is for the parents to remain living together in the family home. However, it is noted that this might not be practical and could present difficulties for many separating and divorcing couples.
Nesting or birdnesting is becoming increasingly common and can provide a short-term solution to the arrangements for the children while longer term plans are being made. The advantage of nesting is that the children remain in the family home while the parents leave and take turns living in the property.
If this is not possible, at the very least, parents need to aim for consistency and stability in the child’s living environment and routines. This could include creating a schedule that allows the child to adapt with as little disruption as possible when moving between both parent’s homes.
Professional input
Advice from therapists, teachers or healthcare professionals involved in the child’s life and who understand your child’s needs may need to be considered. Their insights and recommendations can provide guidance in creating suitable living arrangements with the child’s best interests at its heart.
Tips for navigating child arrangements with an autistic child
Here is our non-exhaustive list for navigating child arrangements upon separation when you have an autistic child:
- Keep the child informed – focus on their daily activities such as school, friends, and therapy to keep their routine as stable as possible. Informing their therapist, doctor, teachers and support staff about the separation is vital for maintaining consistent support and understanding.
- Consider their wishes – for older children, consider their rights and wishes during the separation process. CAFCASS and the court will take their preferences into account, so discussing the situation and keeping them informed with simple updates will hopefully limit feelings of being overwhelmed.
- Ease transitions – children with autism often struggle with changes to their routines, so making transitions between homes easier benefits everyone. Consider creating an extended custody schedule. For example, if you are sharing 50/50 care, swap every week rather than every night.
- Set boundaries – decide with your co-parent how you want to discipline your child by setting behavioural guidelines. Your child may test your rules, especially if they want a particular toy or unhealthy snack, but both parents should be able to present a united and communicative pre-agreed response.
- Maintain school – do your best to keep your child in the same school and with the same medical professionals. Too many changes at once will overwhelm an autistic child.
- Use a calendar or co-parenting app – this helps with the living arrangements and can assist the child in understanding and anticipating the changes. It also allows them to process their emotions and prepare for the change. Regular reminders about the number of days left with each parent can also be helpful.
- Calculate extra expenses – when discussing child support with your ex, you should make sure you have included provisions for the child’s therapy and any other needs as it is easy to miss crucial expenses in the disruption of separation.
- Documentation – separating couples should keep records of all child custody agreements and modifications made regarding their child’s living arrangements. Written documentation can help prevent misunderstandings and serve as a reference if a conflict arises.
- Introducing new partners – can be especially troublesome for a child with autism. Talk to your new partner about the sort of parenting role they want to play. They may be willing to get involved in your child’s life, but are likely, at least in the early days, to want you to take the lead. Whatever role they want to play, let them know what life is like with an autistic child and tell them about any behaviours they might find unusual.
- Introducing new siblings – if your new partner has children of their own, you should be cautious as it can be overwhelming to meet new people. Talk to your partner’s children and tell them that your child may process things a little differently, but they can still play and talk together. Provide a space where all the children feel comfortable interacting with each other.
- Moving in with a new partner – if your child doesn’t live with you but stays regularly, you should introduce the new environment slowly and at a pace guided by your child. In the new environment, stick to the old routines your child is accustomed to.
The best living arrangements for a child with autism prioritises stability, routine and open communication. No matter how this is achieved, the goal is to minimise disruption and provide consistent support.
Don’t forget self-care
Managing a child’s needs, particularly one with autism, can be demanding. Ensure you have a good support system in place and take time for self-care to manage stress and anxiety effectively.
Each family situation is unique and what works for one family may not work for yours. Flexibility, empathy, and maintaining a child-centred approach are key in finding suitable long-term living and contact arrangements that meet the needs of an autistic child in a separated family.
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